Dear fellow life traveler,
The journey of coping with grief is a unique one as you face the reality of loss. You have been through so much. Your heavy heart may have led you here. I am sorry that you are hurting. Your pain could be raw. There is help in your journey. It can feel like the ground beneath you has shifted, leaving you searching for solid ground amid overwhelming emotions.
Grieving may feel challenging, especially if you are grieving multiple experiences and you are taking this journey without support or tools. It may feel like you are trapped in a time warp. People may wonder if any of this is “normal.” Consider that there is no normal in this frontier. All that matters is your experience.
This post discusses some emotions that you may experience days, months, or even years after a loved one dies. Remember, you can find a way through the pain; you do not have to take this journey alone. No one else has ever felt your pain or had your grief. Walking through the pain with a partner or like-minded community may be the key to healing.
Is This A Dream?
The loss of a loved one is a profoundly painful experience. In the immediate aftermath of a death, it is expected to feel dizzy, disoriented, and numb. The whole reality of the loss often takes time to sink in. This initial shock serves as a buffer to protect our emotions from the intense grief that is to come. People who do not seek help with these challenging emotions can get stuck here for years or a lifetime. Some may find they need help to untangle and name their feelings.
In the beginning stages of grieving, people may frequently experience disbelief and denial. The mind struggles to comprehend that a loved one is gone, especially if the event is sudden. It might seem unthinkable that the person who was here one minute is no longer alive and will not be coming back. Even if the death was anticipated, the finality of it often feels surreal. People may wonder how life can go on without their loved one’s presence.
Along with disbelief, the newly bereaved may feel confused and unable to process basic information. Concentration may be impaired, and the mind is preoccupied. Making decisions about anything may be difficult. One may forget pertinent details or struggle to recall normal routines. This cognitive fog and sense of unreality provide distance from the painful reality of the loss. Taking the time to name and honor your pain is a part of the movement to accept the truth of the loss so the healing process can unfold.
What Is The Point Of Trying?
The loss of a loved one often leads to depression. This depression is characterized by extreme and pervasive sadness, emptiness, and emotional pain. The bereaved individual may experience a loss of pleasure and interest in everyday activities, withdrawal from others, sleep and appetite changes, fatigue, and loss of concentration.
Simple tasks can feel impossible to accomplish and there is often a sense of hopelessness. Crying spells are common, as well as irritability and restlessness. The depressed mood may seem to come in waves, with sad periods intermixed with moments of respite. However, the sadness persists day after day, week after week.
Depression after the death of a loved one is not unexpected. However, if the depression becomes severe, lasts more than a couple of months, or impairs functioning, consider a physical health assessment and mental health evaluation as medical support may be needed.
How Is This Fair?
Anger is a prevalent emotion after loss. The anger can often feel overwhelming and can be directed at various sources:
– Anger at the situation – People may feel furious about the circumstances surrounding the loss, especially if it was sudden, violent, or preventable. There can be anger about the perceived unfairness and meaninglessness of it all.
– Anger at the now absent person – Some people direct anger toward the person for things like abandoning them, not taking care of themselves, or making poor decisions that led to their death. There may be anger about unresolved issues in the relationship.
– Anger at oneself – Many people grapple with guilt after loss and direct anger inward. There may be regret over not doing more for the lost loved one, not spending enough time with them, or not preventing their death. Self-blame and anger often go hand-in-hand.
– Anger at others – Anger after loss can also be directed at doctors, authorities, or other people connected to the death. Family conflicts can arise as people blame each other. Anger may also be directed at God or the universe over the injustice of it all.
Anger can cause people to say and do things they later regret. It’s important to find healthy ways to process these feelings, through counseling, support groups, physical activity, or creative expression. The anger may never fully subside, but people can better understand and make peace with its sources over time.
If Only…
After a major loss, many people are caught in a cycle of wishing things could be different. They may fantasize about how the situation could have played out differently, imagining scenarios where their loved one didn’t pass away or the relationship didn’t end.
This stage represents a desire to regain control and undo the loss. People may think, “What if I had done something differently?” or “If only I had known sooner.” You may find yourself trying to negotiate with a higher power, promising to change or do anything if only the loss could be reversed. There may even be magical thinking that if the proper ritual is performed, the loss will somehow be undone..
Did You Do Everything That You Could?
It’s common to experience feelings of guilt after the loss of a loved one. You may replay events repeatedly, wondering if you could have done something to prevent the loss. Even if, rationally, you know there’s nothing you could have done, you may still feel haunted by “what ifs” and regrets.
Guilt can stem from all kinds of situations surrounding the loss. You may feel guilty about arguments you had with the deceased or times you feel you weren’t there for them. You may regret not visiting them enough or not telling them how much you cared while they were alive. Or you may feel guilty about being the one who survived when they did not.
These feelings are not surprising in the grieving process. Try to be gentle with yourself. Talk to others who knew your loved one about the happy memories you shared—this can help ease the pain and regret. Also consider writing a letter expressing everything you wished you had said as a way to find closure.
While the guilt may never fully dissipate, it should become less raw over time. Focus on the good moments you shared, the love you shared, and the fact that your loved one would want you to move forward in peace.
Will This Dread Ever End?
The anxiety after a significant loss can be overwhelming. You may experience intense fear and dread, seemingly coming out of nowhere. Panic attacks are common, as the loss can trigger intense anxiety about other areas of life. Insomnia is also frequently reported, as anxious thoughts make it difficult to relax and sleep.
The anxiety may stem both from the pain of the loss itself, as well as the uncertainty it introduces about the future. Your mind may race to hypothetical worst-case scenarios to avoid fully processing the grief. Deep breathing exercises can help calm the anxiety, as can talking through your worries with a trusted friend. Don’t hesitate to reach out for professional counseling if the anxiety persists and interferes with daily functioning. Medication may be warranted in severe cases but should be used under medical supervision.
Your nervous system is in shock from the loss, but you will regain equilibrium. Have compassion for yourself and don’t try to “snap out of it.” With patience and support, the anxiety will subside.
Note: The information provided here is not a substitute for individualized professional advice. If you are struggling with intense or prolonged feelings or difficult emotions during grief, it is recommended to seek support from a licensed mental health professional in your area.
US 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat. 988lifeline.org
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